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Masonic Jokes Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on that evening, to which he answered, "The Provincial Master was there, the Provincial Secretary was there, the Provincial Stewards were there and we all had a great time. "And what did you do?"asked the puzzled officers, "I was the Provincial Decoy". There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and
he's very drunk. Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had
promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above
would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges
in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that
Bill went first. While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I asked in what way? She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong. No, was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house" A tired old mason whose hair was gray, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast. St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell. It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." " The kitchen," said the Master? " Yes, you see, we needed a new fan." Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs. A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this: She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ? He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) And the Holy men ? What of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !" A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot." A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. The man said "how much is the one with the masters apron on." " £2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck." " No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on." " Well, that one is £1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it." " No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on." " You can have him for £10.00." " Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" " Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!! Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" " Why do you say that?", the other asked. " Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!" The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish. " OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii." " I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish." " OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!" " Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??" A Mason unfortunatley dies & his wife thinks he has gone to
heaven He says " I' m not in heaven, I'm a duck on the pond at Saltwell Park."
An Assistant Provincial Grand Master visited one of the Lodges in his group and was somewhat put out to find that the total number of Brethren there that night was 15, including himself and his three group officers. At the end of the meeting, he spoke to the DC and complained about the small attendance saying: " It really was a very poor turn-out for your monthly meeting tonight - you barely had a quorum. Were the Brethren aware that I was coming?" " No," said the DC, "but I guess the news must have leaked out." < Back to Miscellany of Masonic Information
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